During these unsettling times, it’s easy to get knocked “off-center.”
Last month, I asked you to reflect and take stock of your life. This month, I want to help you get back in balance by looking at where you spend your time now and where you want to spend it in the future.
There are many life-balance wheels, such as the one above created by Brendan Baker of Australia. Most include these components:
- work (paid or volunteer)
- family and relationships
- leisure and physical activities
- personal pursuits – creativity and education
- spiritual pursuits
- healthy habits – preparing healthy meals and keeping fit
- physical environment and home maintenance
Do you agree that it is important to have these elements in your life?
What would you add to the list or delete?
Look at the list above and check the areas of life that are most important to you.
- Place a number from 1-10 next to each item to indicate how satisfied you are with that area of life (10=very satisfied, 1=dissatisfied).
- How would you like to balance these areas? How would you like to allocate your time? Put a percentage next to each area.
You can regain some of the balance your life has lost. Draw a circle and divide up the pie slices. One slice for each activity in your life. Slices for activities that take more time will be proportionally larger. Sleep may take up a quarter of the pie.
Divide up the pie to show how your time is spent now.
Now draw a new circle with pie slices that reflect an ideal life balance. What activities have you added to the pie? What could you give up or reduce to attain this balance?
Sometimes it’s helpful to work with a coach on this activity and on the steps to take next. Let me know if I can be of assistance.
Be bold. If you’re going to make an error, make a doozy, and don’t be afraid to hit the ball. Billie Jean King
Life has its ups and downs. Keep on swinging. Hank Aaron
The Old Ways Won’t Cut It
Friends, family and coaching clients tell me they will not be returning to business as usual when life becomes “more normal.” I’m hearing that the virus has brought about a change in their values, and the old ways won’t cut it.
If you want to reinvent yourself and find out what’s next, start by looking at where you are today. Allow yourself time to reflect on the following questions:
- When do you feel most “at home”? Most like yourself? Most alive?
- Who are you with when you feel most like yourself? (Perhaps you are alone in nature.)
- Where are you?
- What are you most proud of?
- What do you no longer enjoy?
- What do you want to learn?
What’s the Nagging Question?
When I was laid off from my corporate job, I thought about what I most wanted to learn and explore. I wanted to spend time in my neglected garden, but I didn’t know how to proceed. I took classes to become a Master Gardener. I met 30 classmates, many of whom became good friends. We are the same age and share similar passions. Later, I began to remember the jazz music my father played when I was young. Those memories helped open another world of music and dancing.
In future blogs, we’ll create a vision for the future and explore ways to get there.
Covid-19, our modern plague, is tragic; but there is an upside for many of us.
Because I have some financial security from social security income, I ‘m able to step back and see over 30 benefits from the pandemic. I hope this list helps you feel more positive.
Our Collective Experience
- Globally we are all in this together. There’s shared humanity
- World-wide there’s a greater appreciation for front-line workers, teachers, healthcare providers
- We have global cooperation to find a vaccine
- More volunteerism
- Younger people are feeling inspired to create change
- Underlying inequities in our society have been exposed – in finances, education and healthcare
- We had time to watch and reflect on George Floyd’s death – and react
- There’s increased focus on how to solve the inequities
Impact on Nature
- By staying at home, we have created less air pollution. The earth will have a 7% decrease in carbon dioxide this year
- Nature has begun to heal
- Plants are healthier
- Animals are more abundant
- The birds are happy
- As a society, slowing down has made us kinder
- We’ve had a chance to refocus on what really matters
- We learned that when working from home many of us are more productive
- Zoom works well for meetings and gatherings of all kinds and for small group learning
- We’ve seen an upsurge in new music. There’s the Rolling Stones’ “Living in a Ghost Town,” plus 5000 songs on the Spotify virus playlist
- We have greater appreciation for “normal,” such as haircuts, eating out, travel
The Personal Impact
- Feeling humility in the face of fragility
- Becoming more patient. With the uncertainty, I’m learning to take things day by day
- Feeling more relaxed. Reduced traffic makes driving less stressful
- There’s less pressure – no longer over-scheduling every day
- Appreciating the quiet and listening to the birds
- Time to be one on one with friends via zoom, phone calls or walks
- Getting to better know my neighbors and their children
- Time to paint, practice the guitar, bicycle, hike, clean the house, cook, garden, and read
- Finding new TV shows
- Watching “Conversations with Authors” from Book Passage
- Thanks to Zoom, taking online classes – yoga, Pilates, sketching, guitar, and gardening
- Finding new local hikes and bike rides. Exploring local neighborhoods
- Making new hiking and biking friends
- Saving money – no gym dues and reduced restaurant expenses
A Huge Change, But Not All Bad
It’s true our world will never be the same. So, when you feel discouraged, please refer to this list. I hope it helps.
Note: I’m eager to hear your thoughts. What would you add to the list?
Personal, National and Global Values
Since reading Kim Stanley Robinson’s May 1 online New Yorker Magazine article “The Corona Virus Is Rewriting Our Imaginations,” I’ve been thinking about how the virus is impacting personal, national and global values.
Climate Change and the Virus
It’s abundantly clear that Climate Change has dramatically changed our lives. We’ve known since the 1960s that the planet was in trouble. Now we see the results of humans polluting the air and the oceans, melting the permafrost, and encroaching on animals’ habitats, making the animals sick … and now the animals are making us sick. (One theory is that a sick bat in Africa bit a pangolin – it’s like an aardvark – and the sick pangolin was sent to a wet market in China, where it was eaten.) Now everyone on the planet is impacted.
We Need to Stick Together
This time, we truly are all in this together. In the past, it was a matter of crisis by region. In California, where I live, we’ve lost lives to fires, earthquakes, and power outages. Other parts of the country and the world have faced droughts, floods, hurricanes and worse. Today we’re seeing how everyone in the world is interconnected: all facing the same crisis. We used to talk about saving future generations; now we know it’s our generation that needs saving.
The Economy versus Saving Lives
We have big questions to consider: What are the rights of the individual versus the needs of society; the needs of a region versus the globe? Do we protect “the economy” versus protecting our health and human lives? Do we want to continue with the old “normal” or are we willing to change to save the planet?
How our Values have Changed
My friends and I discuss how our values have changed. We used to enjoy eating out, going shopping, and traveling. Now we value time with friends and family more than ever. We have a higher regard for the people who work in healthcare, grow our food, educate our children, and provide shelter and clothing.
Can You and I Save the Planet?
Personally, I’m focused on saving our planet. How? I can reduce my carbon footprint by driving and flying less. I hope to convince others to do the same. I’ve always tried to be mindful of how much I consume, how much water I use, and how I handle my trash, but I hope to do better.
Will you join me? What will you do to help our planet?
If you are practicing social distancing, life needn’t be boring. Scottie Andrew at CNN has lots of ideas….and I’m adding a few of my own. By now you’ve heard the basics of the new normal:
- Avoid going to places where 25 or more people may gather
- Go places where you can maintain at least six feet of distance from other people
- Keep in mind your personal risk: If you’re 60 years old and up or have a compromised immune system, you should stay home as much as possible
So, what can you do? Try this:
Make art. This is one of my favorite activities. I like to put on music and pull out watercolors or pastels. Or, perhaps, you prefer pottery.
Read a lot. Even though some libraries are closed, download e-books and audiobooks. Discuss the books via webinar or Skype with your friends or your book club. My book club is using Zoom.
Listen to music. Make music. Go on-line or pull out those old CDs and records.
Take a virtual museum tour. Use your smartphone for an online tour of the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History and the Guggenheim Museum or visit Google Arts & Culture for a virtual walk-throughs for dozens of international museums.
Be in nature. Hike. Get out of the house and keep 6 feet of distance from other people.
Start birdwatching or identifying plants. Find out what birds and plants reside near you. Download bird and plant maps and identification cards. I just spotted the Douglas Iris you see above.
Do yoga at home. Keep your immune system strong.
Make that recipe. This is a great time to make chicken stock or your favorite soup.
Find new recipes. Read your cookbooks or look up all those recipes you’ve downloaded on your computer and never prepared.
Video chat. Why not use Facetime or Skype?
Meditate. I like Headspace.com. There are lots of wonderful meditation apps. And, in times like this, meditation is helpful.
Bring out the board games and huge puzzles. Get competitive or treat yourself to quiet time with a challenging puzzle.
Get handy. If something needs fixing around the house, get to work.
And watch my free upcoming webinar. On April 15, I’ll be discussing how to reinvent yourself after 50 at an online event hosted by FairyGodBoss.com. To register for this free event, click here:https://fairygodboss.com/events/HyOVnubVL/how-to-reinvent-yourself-after/?utm_source=partner&utm_medium=multiple&utm_campaign=lynnryder
Flexibility and New Perspectives
Some important themes have been appearing in my coaching work lately. One is flexibility and the other is changing your perspective.
We Need to Be Flexible
After I taught a workshop at a local library, I met with several people who are struggling with the high cost of renting in Marin County, CA. One person has decided that if staying in the county means that he needs to do Senior Homesharing – sharing household help in exchange for reduced rent, he’ll do it. A friend who has lived alone for 20 years is looking for a roommate.
However, another person told me a litany of things that “must” stay the same “or else.” This person is angry, depressed, and unwilling to change.
Most of us don’t like change. I know I don’t. However, I’m continually reminded of these lessons: Stay Flexible and Keep an Open Mind. We don’t know what is supposed to happen. Sometimes a change that looks bad, turns out to be good; the change often leads to something positive that we couldn’t predict.
I recently saw the fabulous Broadway musical, “Come From Away.” On 9/11, 2001, 7,000 airplane passengers were diverted to Gander, Newfoundland, Canada. They were stranded there for two weeks, and, at first, they felt angry and lost. But then the locals took them into their homes, fed them, entertained them, and showed them other remarkable generous qualities that humans are capable of. Some of the passengers, who were strangers at first, got married to each other afterwards, and most struck up life-long friendships with the folks from Gander. Yes, it looked like a disaster, but such beauty came from the experience.
Change your Perspective
I was hiking yesterday with a man who had a motorcycle accident two years ago. He lost vision in one eye and has compromised the use of one arm. I asked him what he learned. He said the accident reinforced what he always thought: “Nothing bad has ever happened to me.”
My girlfriend, who was part of the conversation, added, “There are no mistakes.” She said, “When I say what seems like the wrong thing, I no longer get angry with myself. I wonder if what I said might, ultimately, be helpful for the person who heard it.” Wow! These are interesting and refreshing perspectives.
Speaking of perspectives, last week I taught a class on Positive Thinking and referenced the work of Martin Seligman, the author of “Learned Optimism.” Seligman’s research proved that three attributes make the difference in how optimistic we are. He studied how people view the Permanence of a situation, their view of Pervasiveness, and if they take the situation Personally. It turns out that you will be more successful and happier if you view a situation as:
- temporary (not permanent)
- limited in scope (the situation is not going to impact everything, it’s not pervasive), and
- if you believe the situation is due to outside factors and is not your fault (not personal)
As some of us face hard times – debt, high rent, underemployment, health setbacks – it’s helpful to think about staying flexible and looking at life in new, more optimistic ways. It’s wise to see the situation as temporary, limited in scope, and not your fault.
Feeling that our lives “must” or “should” look a certain way, only leads to depression. It’s more helpful to simply say, I “prefer” this to happen….and “I’m flexible.”
Finally, when life feels hard, try to stay open to hearing what others are telling you. If you say, “But, but,” to others’ recommendations, you will find yourself alone. What sounds crazy at first, might be the seed of something worth looking into. It’s easy to say, and harder to do – we need to trust and “live into” the answers. The answers are coming.
The holidays bring up such mixed emotions – there’s joy and hope…and there’s stress and sadness.
When I taught a class on managing holiday stress, participants gave me a long list of stressors that include worries about budget and creating a “perfect” holiday, and feeling sad when remembering loved ones who won’t be here this year.
Find Balance and Watch your Budget
Class members had plenty of ideas for reducing holiday stress. They want to set realistic expectations, create a better balance between personal time and social time, and spend more time with supportive people. Some people talked about reducing financial worries by changing some of their family traditions; instead of buying gifts for everyone in the family, they will have a white elephant exchange or arrange for secret Santa gifts, so that each person only buys one gift.
Stress Reduction Tips
During the holidays, more than at other times, it’s important to manage your stress. This is the time for deep breathing exercises (breathe in for 3 counts, hold for 2, breathe out for 3 counts). Progressive muscle relaxation is super helpful. Sit in a chair with your eyes closed. Tense your right fist; let go. Tense your whole right arm; let go. Do the same on the left side. Then scrunch up your face and hold it tight; let go. Tense your shoulders and your chest; let go. Tense your stomach muscles; let go. Tense your thighs and calves; let go. Tense your toes; let go.
As members of my class completed the exercise and opened their eyes, the energy in the room became light and peaceful.
Help Yourself to Help Others
So, first take care of yourself during the holidays. Then help others. If you take time to volunteer or collect toys to donate, you’ll feel the joy of giving. Plus, when we change the focus from materialism, we reap the benefits of feeling the spirit of the holiday season.
Remember: You have the right to enjoy the holidays and even buy a gift for yourself. You are also entitled to feel all your emotions – from happy to sad. You don’t need to attend every party and eat all the food offered to you. You can design the holiday you want to enjoy. Make some new traditions. What can you do differently this year?
Lately friends have been asking me about my philosophy. They want to know if I have a dogma, or if I’m guided by a self-help guru. The answer is I’m a pragmatist. Over the years, through trial and error, I’ve found a path that works for me. It includes having a balanced life, getting unstuck, pursuing fun leisure activities, keeping healthy, fulfilling my life purpose, sticking to my personal guiding principles, and achieving goals.
In my workshops and coaching, I share this “path” with others. And that feels great. So, as Thanksgiving approaches, I want to talk about how grateful I am to have this opportunity to teach and be a coach. It truly is fulfilling to help people who are feeling uncertain about what next steps to take, and then see them leave at peace, knowing how they want life to look and what they need to do to achieve it.
This work, plus so much more, makes me feel that my life is balanced and full. I am thankful for good health which allows me to enjoy hiking, skiing, cycling, sailing, dance, and yoga. I’m thankful for the amazing friends I’ve made while pursuing these activities. I’m grateful that as a Marin Master Gardener, I can volunteer for the Dig It, Grow It, Eat It program that teaches children about gardening and nutritious foods. I’m thankful that I’m able to travel; this year I went to the East Coast and Canada, while next year I’ll visit New Zealand. And I’m grateful for my small family.
I want to wish you a fulfilling Thanksgiving Holiday. If you have time, write down some of the things you are grateful for. Did you know that a 2012 study found that grateful people have fewer aches and pains and report feeling healthier than other people? Spend 10 minutes jotting down a few grateful thoughts before bed, and you may sleep better.
A year after the devastation of the Sonoma County, California fires, friends who have lost their homes and most of their material possessions spoke to me about gratitude – gratitude for the outpouring of gifts and support from both friends and strangers.
It doesn’t erase the pain of the loss, but one friend shared that small events will long be remembered, such as gong to community garage “sales” where you are told to take anything that fits or is useful…maybe a new pair of earrings or a sweater or even a bicycle – for free.
I recently spoke with a Sonoma artist at a local art festival. He lost most of his paintings when his studio burned in the fire. I looked at photos of his lost paintings and then felt exhilarated by his fresh, new paintings. He has worked through the trauma and come out the other side with stunning, gorgeous images.
My friend Annie calls this “getting pruned.” She says it’s like cutting back a rose bush and being rewarded with even more stunning rose blossoms.
This metaphor reminded me that in the 1980’s I lost my home in a mudslide in Sausalito, California. I’m grateful I got out alive and was able to rescue some possessions. I realize now that the loss and trauma was a turning point for me. It forced me to re-evaluate my life and eventually led to a better romantic partnership, and work in coaching and training that was more aligned with my values.
In fact, one couple I know announced their engagement shortly after she lost her home in one of the fires. Maybe they would have announced it at that time anyway, but experience tells me that after facing the possibility of losing your life, some decisions become very clear.
Another friend told me that when the fire destroyed her home, she decided to move closer to San Francisco where most of the family works. The shorter commute has resulted in greater family togetherness, which she loves.
I certainly don’t want to minimize the pain and trauma of major loses; however, as we remember the fires, it’s good to recognize that sometimes life calls for us to reinvent ourselves…and that can be a good thing.
In my coaching practice I’m seeing a trend. Many of my clients tell me they can’t stop thinking. Their minds are racing or going in circles. And concentration is difficult.
What they want is to clear their minds and feel calm. There are lots of reasons that our minds race. Fortunately, there are proven ways to calm the mind and to feel peaceful and focused.
The main “tool” I recommend to others and the tool I use myself is meditation. I’ve found that listening daily to 3-minute guided meditations is easy, practical and effective. You can find them online. One of my favorite sites is www.headspace.com. If you look under apps on your cell phone, you’ll find lots of options. My book also contains a helpful meditation. Combine your meditation with a daily walk, and I promise that after a week or so, you’ll feel more positive about life and happier. It’s all about the breath. Focused breathing is the panacea.
Just look at psychology publications to see what researchers have found. Studies show meditation:
- Reduces stress
- Improves concentration
- Improves self-awareness
- Increases self-acceptance
- Increases happiness (this is connected to self-awareness and acceptance)
- May reduce age-related memory loss
- Increases relaxation and causes blood pressure to drop
- Improves the immune system and reduces inflammation
- Increases a sense of connection to others
- Makes you more compassionate
So, if you want to improve your life, breathe deeply and meditate daily.