Friendship

Know your Limits

Don’t go so far that what you remember about your hike is how ridiculously hard it was.

Matthew Vandzura, Grand Canyon National Park Chief Ranger
Time Magazine, March 18, 2019

Photo of the Franz Josef Glacier by Lynn Ryder

I read this quote the week I returned from nearly three weeks of hiking on the South Island of New Zealand.  It was the most difficult terrain I’ve encountered, including the scree we hiked up when climbing volcanoes in Ecuador in 2014.  New Zealand has very steep rocks and roots covered with moss, making them unusually slippery.  In the past, my hiking group would hike 2.5 miles per hour; on these South Island hikes we could barely complete one mile in an hour.  When it rained on our way down the Roberts Point Overlook trail, below the Franz Josef Glacier, I was scared I would break my neck or some other part of my body.  Which brings me to the question: When is it time to stop?  What are my limits?

Pay Attention

On the Overlook hike, I slipped on slick rock early on, so I knew I was pushing my limits. Two of my friends turned back, and I could easily have joined them.  On the other hand, I felt intertwined with my group of 22 experienced hikers.  There was some peer pressure and the thrill of doing something harder than I’d done before.  I was focused on my goal; I wanted to see the glacier from the overlook….and it was something to see.  But I can’t help thinking that if I had been smart, I would have listened to my body.  I would have realized that my legs were tired, and I was relying a great deal on using my hiking poles and my hands to scramble up Robert’s Mountain.  Plus, I am no spring chicken. 

The Goal or the Journey

This reminds me of the dilemma of process versus outcomes.  My friends who turned back, told me what a lovely time they had listening to bird songs, taking photos, and examining the ferns, moss and berries.  While I was huffing and puffing, they enjoyed taking in the sights, sounds and smells of this unique area.  I’m reminded that often I’m so focused on my goals and outcomes, that I miss the special qualities of the journey. 

There’s More Living to Do

I haven’t decided if I was right or wrong to endure some scrapes and some fright to get to the gorgeous glacier overlook.  I know I learned many lessons from pushing myself that day.  In the future, I will take time to pause, tune out what others are saying and check in with my body to determine if it’s time to turn around.  In the past, I wanted to prove how strong and capable I was, so I refused to be the person who wouldn’t complete a hike.  Now it’s time to look rationally at what makes sense at this time in my life, knowing that any injuries won’t heal as quickly as when I was young.  There’s still an enormous amount I can accomplish.  I want to remain healthy and strong enough to keep hiking and seeing the many great sights I haven’t seen yet.

Find your next step at the next Reinvent Yourself after Fifty class on May 4 at Book Passage in Corte Madera, CA. Visit the workshops page on this website at:
https://reinventyourselfafterfifty.com/reinvent-yourself-after-50-workshops/

Photo of the author taking a break while hiking on the South Island of New Zealand.

Stress and the Holidays

The holidays bring up such mixed emotions – there’s joy and hope…and there’s stress and sadness.

When I taught a class on managing holiday stress, participants gave me a long list of stressors that include worries about budget and creating a “perfect” holiday, and feeling sad when remembering loved ones who won’t be here this year.

Find Balance and Watch your Budget

Class members had plenty of ideas for reducing holiday stress.  They want to set realistic expectations, create a better balance between personal time and social time, and spend more time with supportive people.  Some people talked about reducing financial worries by changing some of their family traditions; instead of buying gifts for everyone in the family, they will have a white elephant exchange or arrange for secret Santa gifts, so that each person only buys one gift.

Stress Reduction Tips

During the holidays, more than at other times, it’s important to manage your stress.  This is the time for deep breathing exercises (breathe in for 3 counts, hold for 2, breathe out for 3 counts).  Progressive muscle relaxation is super helpful. Sit in a chair with your eyes closed.  Tense your right fist; let go.  Tense your whole right arm; let go. Do the same on the left side.  Then scrunch up your face and hold it tight; let go.  Tense your shoulders and your chest; let go.  Tense your stomach muscles; let go.  Tense your thighs and calves; let go.  Tense your toes; let go.

As members of my class completed  the exercise and opened their eyes, the energy in the room became light and peaceful.

Help Yourself to Help Others

So, first take care of yourself during the holidays. Then help others.  If you take time to volunteer or collect toys to donate, you’ll feel the joy of giving.  Plus, when we change the focus from materialism, we reap the benefits of feeling the spirit of the holiday season.

Your Rights

Remember:  You have the right to enjoy the holidays and even buy a gift for yourself.  You are also entitled to feel all your emotions – from happy to sad.  You don’t need to attend every party and eat all the food offered to you.  You can design the holiday you want to enjoy.  Make some new traditions.  What can you do differently this year?

My Philosophy and Why I’m Grateful

My Philosophy

Lately friends have been asking me about my philosophy.  They want to know if I have a dogma, or if I’m guided by a self-help guru. The answer is I’m a pragmatist.  Over the years, through trial and error, I’ve found a path that works for me.  It includes having a balanced life, getting unstuck, pursuing fun leisure activities, keeping healthy, fulfilling my life purpose, sticking to my personal guiding principles, and achieving goals.

Gratitude

In my workshops and coaching, I share this “path” with others.  And that feels great.  So, as Thanksgiving approaches, I want to talk about how grateful I am to have this opportunity to teach and be a coach.  It truly is fulfilling to help people who are feeling uncertain about what next steps to take, and then see them leave at peace, knowing how they want life to look and what they need to do to achieve it.

This work, plus so much more, makes me feel that my life is balanced and full.  I am thankful for good health which allows me to enjoy hiking, skiing, cycling, sailing, dance, and yoga.  I’m thankful for the amazing friends I’ve made while pursuing these activities.  I’m grateful that as a Marin Master Gardener, I can volunteer for the Dig It, Grow It, Eat It program that teaches children about gardening and nutritious foods.  I’m thankful that I’m able to travel; this year I went to the East Coast and Canada, while next year I’ll visit New Zealand.  And I’m grateful for my small family.

Gratitude Journal

I want to wish you a fulfilling Thanksgiving Holiday.  If you have time, write down some of the things you are grateful for.  Did you know that a 2012 study found that grateful people have fewer aches and pains and report feeling healthier than other people?  Spend 10 minutes jotting down a few grateful thoughts before bed, and you may sleep better.

Renewal and Reinvention after the Sonoma County Fires

A year after the devastation of the Sonoma County, California fires, friends who have lost their homes and most of their material possessions spoke to me about gratitude – gratitude for the outpouring of gifts and support from both friends and strangers.

It doesn’t erase the pain of the loss, but one friend shared that small events will long be remembered, such as gong to community garage “sales” where you are told to take anything that fits or is useful…maybe a new pair of earrings or a sweater or even a bicycle – for free.

I recently spoke with a Sonoma artist at a local art festival.  He lost most of his paintings when his studio burned in the fire.  I looked at photos of his lost paintings and then felt exhilarated by his fresh, new paintings.  He has worked through the trauma and come out the other side with stunning, gorgeous images.

My friend Annie calls this “getting pruned.”  She says it’s like cutting back a rose bush and being rewarded with even more stunning rose blossoms.

This metaphor reminded me that in the 1980’s I lost my home in a mudslide in Sausalito, California.  I’m grateful I got out alive and was able to rescue some possessions.  I realize now that the loss and trauma was a turning point for me.  It forced me to re-evaluate my life and eventually led to a better romantic partnership, and work in coaching and training that was more aligned with my values.

In fact, one couple I know announced their engagement shortly after she lost her home in one of the fires.  Maybe they would have announced it at that time anyway, but experience tells me that after facing the possibility of losing your life, some decisions become very clear.

Another friend told me that when the fire destroyed her home, she decided to move closer to San Francisco where most of the family works.  The shorter commute has resulted in greater family togetherness, which she loves.

I certainly don’t want to minimize the pain and trauma of major loses; however, as we remember the fires, it’s good to recognize that sometimes life calls for us to reinvent ourselves…and that can be a good thing.

How Boomers Can Find Balance

Recently a reporter from a new website for Boomers – www.considerable.com – interviewed me about coaching people over 50 and finding life balance.  He wondered what’s different at this age.  I told him that almost everything changes.  This graphic covers much of it.

You may feel lonely if you are no longer working; you may be an empty-nester; loved ones may have passed on; you may be less healthy; you may have unstructured time; you may want to have a new sense of purpose and meaning… and so on.  When this happens, it’s valuable to work with a coach to look at ways to re-balance your life.

My coaching clients look at which areas of life are most important now and consider how to allocate their time in the future to achieve the right balance.  An easy way to do this is to draw a circle or pie and slice up the pie to show how your time is spent now.  Then draw a second pie and slice it up to show the way you want to spend your time in the future.  Look at these elements in your life and decide which you want to expand or change:

  • work (paid or volunteer)
  • family and relationships
  • leisure and physical activities
  • personal pursuits – creativity and education
  • spiritual pursuits
  • integrate healthy habits into all of this

Ask yourself: How satisfied am I with each of these elements?  How can I increase my satisfaction?

I have tools that can help with this process.  Just send an email (lynn.ryder@gmail.com) or give me a call (415-328-6514) to arrange a coaching session.  Or attend a “Reinvent Yourself after 50” workshop – click the link for information on the next one.

My 50th High School Reunion

If you have a high school reunion coming up, GO.  If it’s your 50th reunion, don’t hesitate.  The 50th reunion is probably the last reunion.  It’s sad to say, but some of your classmates won’t be alive…or won’t be able to travel in another 10 years.

I just returned from my 50th reunion at Abington High School in a suburb of Philadelphia.  When the reunion was announced, I was the first to RSVP.  I live 3000 miles from many of my high school friends, and this was a chance to see everyone at once.  With Facebook, it’s been great to catch up with so many of my classmates, but it’s not the same as face-to-face.  When seeing friends in person, the good memories come flooding back.  And, at this stage of life, the bad memories of feeling excluded (by people in some cliques) have long faded away.

The reunion was an opportunity to remember my childhood on the East Coast. I decided to make the event into an adventure by plane, train and subway.  I wanted to see the 911 museum in New York and take an in-depth look at Washington D.C.  I’m glad I did.  Even two weeks was not enough time to see the many monuments, gardens, museums and cultural events on my bucket list.

After the “high” I felt in New York city with it’s great energy, I was not let down in Philadelphia.  My high school pals have matured into relaxed, interesting, fun-loving older adults.  We picked up where we left off so many years ago.  Everyone was welcoming.

We’re at a great age.  Yes, it’s true that there was a wide variation in how well we aged.  I recognized almost everyone I used to “hang with.”  They looked energetic and fabulous.  The surprise was that some classmates are using canes and walkers.

It’s truly eye-opening to see that even as early as the sixties, if you don’t have good genes and don’t live a healthy lifestyle, your decline will already be apparent.  It’s another reminder to stay active and engage with life.  And to reinvent yourself.

 

Top 10 Tips for People Over 50

Following are some of the topics we discuss in the Reinvent Yourself after 50 workshops.  See how many of these tips you can incorporate into your life.  Let me know which ones are helping you feel greater joy and fulfillment.

Learn

Explore subjects that interest you and see where it leads.  Read, use Google, take workshops, attend lectures.

Have a Supportive Community

We all need community.  Studies show you’ll live longer and feel better if you have a good social life.  Meet people who lift you up and spend time with them.  I’ve found that Meetup.com is a good way to meet who enjoy the activities that you enjoy.

Live a Balanced Life

You will be happier if you find the right balance of work (paid or volunteer), relationships, leisure, creativity, learning, and spiritual pursuits.  What do you need more of?  What do you need less of in life?

Relax

Leisure is a vital part of living a balanced life.  Take time to relax and recharge.  Your brain requires this.

Enjoy Nature

Get outside as often as possible.  The sun, greenery and water are all nurturing.  My yellow, green and blue logo symbolizes these essential elements of nature.

Be Healthy – stay active and eat well

Exercise releases endorphins which make you feel good.  You’ll feel better and be healthier if you keep moving and eat healthy foods (and never smoke).

Be Grateful

Each day write down a few of the things you’re grateful for.  When you see the good in the world, you feel happier.  It’s that simple.

Keep a Bucket List

Pay attention to your ideas about things you’d like to do.  (Sometimes feeling jealous of others is an indication of something we need or want to do.)  People who write down and follow-up on their bucket lists are more likely to fulfill their dreams.  Create a life you’ll love.

Travel

New places and cultures (even if they are close to home) introduce us to new ideas and perspectives.  Travel beyond your usual stomping ground to feel inspired and energized.

Feel Passion and Purpose

Find time for activities that make a difference to others.  This work will add meaning and purpose to your own life.

Predictors of How Long You’ll Live

My friend Harry was laid off from his job at the age of 64. He took some time to think about his future….and then took some more time. His savings were slim, so he said he would look for another job. I’m not sure if he looked. I do know that he spent a lot of time on his computer, going to movies by himself, and watching TV. Mostly he was alone. Then he got sick. Then his cognitive thinking declined. He was depressed and isolated. He is one of the reasons I created the “Reinvent Yourself after 50” workshop. I want to help people feel fulfilled, joyful, and passionate, whether they are working or not.

For many people the most difficult aspect of leaving the workforce is losing daily interaction with work colleagues and the people you meet when you’re at work – the coffee barista, the bus driver, the cashier at the deli. In the workshop we discuss the many benefits of social integration and how to ensure we don’t lose it. This video demonstrates why our relationships are paramount to our longevity and to having fulfilling lives.

What does it take to live for 100 years? These are the surprising predictors of a long, healthy life.

Susan Pinker at TED2017 – The secret to living longer may be your social life