Years ago, I wrote a book called, Road to Fulfillment, about men and women who made meaningful mid-life changes. After the age of 50 they fulfilled their dreams.
I was reminded of the book when I read a June 9, 2019 article in The Washington Post called, “Changing Channels: Millions of women wait years to fulfill their dreams – or to figure out what their dreams are.”
It’s Your Time
The article states that after 50, many women do what they once considered selfish – they achieve ambitions that make them feel productive and satisfied, professional milestones that are difficult to pursue while taking care of a family and paying their bills. Please note that I believe many men feel the same about this time of life. In fact, both men and women ask me to help them answer the questions: “What’s next? What has meaning now?
This makes sense. After 50 we take stock of our lives and want to make the most of the remaining years. After 50 we know our strengths and want to use them in a way that makes a significant difference.
In the article, Patricia Forehand, a retired educator turned comedian says, “After I retired, I took the teacher mask off and really cut loose…. I feel like I can be myself again.”
It Takes Time to become Good
The singer Bettye LaVette, hit it big after the age of 60. She says, “It’s much better to find success later in life. It takes a very long time to become good. Iris Gomez, a lawyer turned novelist agrees. “My work has gotten richer as I’ve matured.” She adds, “People say you can have it all as a woman, just not at the same time. There’s truth to that.” Another woman, Suzanne Wilson, became a doctor 25 years after being accepted to medical school. And she believes that her experiences raising a family will make her a better doctor than she would have been earlier.
Life’s Travails Make Us Better
In my book, Road to Fulfillment, a male writer turned therapist, describes the pain and suffering he needed to endure in order to become the wise therapist he is today. A realtor turned minister feels the same.
Others in the book describe how their values changed over time. I often hear people over 50 say that now that their children are grown, fulfillment comes from living simply and making social contributions through work with non-profits and volunteering. Others said you shouldn’t wait until the time when you have enough money. Start where you are today. Begin to live your dream now. Reading their stories in Road to Fulfillment will inspire you.
What’s next for you?
Don’t go so far that what you remember about your hike is how ridiculously hard it was.
Matthew Vandzura, Grand Canyon National Park Chief Ranger
Time Magazine, March 18, 2019
Photo of the Franz Josef Glacier by Lynn Ryder
I read this quote the week I returned from nearly three weeks of hiking on the South Island of New Zealand. It was the most difficult terrain I’ve encountered, including the scree we hiked up when climbing volcanoes in Ecuador in 2014. New Zealand has very steep rocks and roots covered with moss, making them unusually slippery. In the past, my hiking group would hike 2.5 miles per hour; on these South Island hikes we could barely complete one mile in an hour. When it rained on our way down the Roberts Point Overlook trail, below the Franz Josef Glacier, I was scared I would break my neck or some other part of my body. Which brings me to the question: When is it time to stop? What are my limits?
On the Overlook hike, I slipped on slick rock early on, so I knew I was pushing my limits. Two of my friends turned back, and I could easily have joined them. On the other hand, I felt intertwined with my group of 22 experienced hikers. There was some peer pressure and the thrill of doing something harder than I’d done before. I was focused on my goal; I wanted to see the glacier from the overlook….and it was something to see. But I can’t help thinking that if I had been smart, I would have listened to my body. I would have realized that my legs were tired, and I was relying a great deal on using my hiking poles and my hands to scramble up Robert’s Mountain. Plus, I am no spring chicken.
The Goal or the Journey
This reminds me of the dilemma of process versus outcomes. My friends who turned back, told me what a lovely time they had listening to bird songs, taking photos, and examining the ferns, moss and berries. While I was huffing and puffing, they enjoyed taking in the sights, sounds and smells of this unique area. I’m reminded that often I’m so focused on my goals and outcomes, that I miss the special qualities of the journey.
There’s More Living to Do
I haven’t decided if I was right or wrong to endure some scrapes and some fright to get to the gorgeous glacier overlook. I know I learned many lessons from pushing myself that day. In the future, I will take time to pause, tune out what others are saying and check in with my body to determine if it’s time to turn around. In the past, I wanted to prove how strong and capable I was, so I refused to be the person who wouldn’t complete a hike. Now it’s time to look rationally at what makes sense at this time in my life, knowing that any injuries won’t heal as quickly as when I was young. There’s still an enormous amount I can accomplish. I want to remain healthy and strong enough to keep hiking and seeing the many great sights I haven’t seen yet.
Find your next step at the next Reinvent Yourself after Fifty class on May 4 at Book Passage in Corte Madera, CA. Visit the workshops page on this website at:
Flexibility and New Perspectives
Some important themes have been appearing in my coaching work lately. One is flexibility and the other is changing your perspective.
We Need to Be Flexible
After I taught a workshop at a local library, I met with several people who are struggling with the high cost of renting in Marin County, CA. One person has decided that if staying in the county means that he needs to do Senior Homesharing – sharing household help in exchange for reduced rent, he’ll do it. A friend who has lived alone for 20 years is looking for a roommate.
However, another person told me a litany of things that “must” stay the same “or else.” This person is angry, depressed, and unwilling to change.
Most of us don’t like change. I know I don’t. However, I’m continually reminded of these lessons: Stay Flexible and Keep an Open Mind. We don’t know what is supposed to happen. Sometimes a change that looks bad, turns out to be good; the change often leads to something positive that we couldn’t predict.
I recently saw the fabulous Broadway musical, “Come From Away.” On 9/11, 2001, 7,000 airplane passengers were diverted to Gander, Newfoundland, Canada. They were stranded there for two weeks, and, at first, they felt angry and lost. But then the locals took them into their homes, fed them, entertained them, and showed them other remarkable generous qualities that humans are capable of. Some of the passengers, who were strangers at first, got married to each other afterwards, and most struck up life-long friendships with the folks from Gander. Yes, it looked like a disaster, but such beauty came from the experience.
Change your Perspective
I was hiking yesterday with a man who had a motorcycle accident two years ago. He lost vision in one eye and has compromised the use of one arm. I asked him what he learned. He said the accident reinforced what he always thought: “Nothing bad has ever happened to me.”
My girlfriend, who was part of the conversation, added, “There are no mistakes.” She said, “When I say what seems like the wrong thing, I no longer get angry with myself. I wonder if what I said might, ultimately, be helpful for the person who heard it.” Wow! These are interesting and refreshing perspectives.
Speaking of perspectives, last week I taught a class on Positive Thinking and referenced the work of Martin Seligman, the author of “Learned Optimism.” Seligman’s research proved that three attributes make the difference in how optimistic we are. He studied how people view the Permanence of a situation, their view of Pervasiveness, and if they take the situation Personally. It turns out that you will be more successful and happier if you view a situation as:
- temporary (not permanent)
- limited in scope (the situation is not going to impact everything, it’s not pervasive), and
- if you believe the situation is due to outside factors and is not your fault (not personal)
As some of us face hard times – debt, high rent, underemployment, health setbacks – it’s helpful to think about staying flexible and looking at life in new, more optimistic ways. It’s wise to see the situation as temporary, limited in scope, and not your fault.
Feeling that our lives “must” or “should” look a certain way, only leads to depression. It’s more helpful to simply say, I “prefer” this to happen….and “I’m flexible.”
Finally, when life feels hard, try to stay open to hearing what others are telling you. If you say, “But, but,” to others’ recommendations, you will find yourself alone. What sounds crazy at first, might be the seed of something worth looking into. It’s easy to say, and harder to do – we need to trust and “live into” the answers. The answers are coming.
I am a believer in positive thinking. I’m also a believer in being realistic. What this means is that even if you have a clear goal, you still need to rationally assess your current situation and readiness to attain the goal.
In my coaching practice I talk to people in their 60’s and 70’s who want to return to full-time work in the profession they had in their 50’s. Some of my clients are successful at “going back,” especially if they work in healthcare where seniors are often hired. On the other hand, an honest discussion often reveals that a backup plan or a modified goal will lead to a better outcome. Here’s what I mean:
Suppose David, who is 70, wants to return to full-time corporate training. We will talk about David’s health and energy level, since the employer will look at this. We will discuss David’s plan for staying up-to-date on corporate training needs and strategies. For example, which online software programs is he skilled at using for developing training? Does David need additional training to be competitive? We need to consider David’s networking contact list. What is David’s communication and marketing strategy?
I can help David prepare for the job search, but I need David to be clear and honest about his goal. Is he truly healthy enough for full-time work? Is he still mentally sharp? Will his current skills allow him to “talk the talk” of younger and “up-to-date” colleagues? How well does he work with younger people? Has David maintained his professional contacts, and, if not, how can he build new ones?
During an honest discussion, if David says that his health is not optimal, and his skill level is not where it was, then David and I can explore suitable goals. For example, perhaps David can enhance his skills and then work part-time for established training companies that use hourly or daily contractors. Depending on his interests, perhaps David can develop his own training programs and market them through social media. David could reengage with professional and networking groups.
There are many possible goals and next steps. The key is to be honest about the current situation. Working with a coach can help you move from hopeful, positive thinking to realistic thinking that results in positive outcomes.
Recently a reporter from a new website for Boomers – www.considerable.com – interviewed me about coaching people over 50 and finding life balance. He wondered what’s different at this age. I told him that almost everything changes. This graphic covers much of it.
You may feel lonely if you are no longer working; you may be an empty-nester; loved ones may have passed on; you may be less healthy; you may have unstructured time; you may want to have a new sense of purpose and meaning… and so on. When this happens, it’s valuable to work with a coach to look at ways to re-balance your life.
My coaching clients look at which areas of life are most important now and consider how to allocate their time in the future to achieve the right balance. An easy way to do this is to draw a circle or pie and slice up the pie to show how your time is spent now. Then draw a second pie and slice it up to show the way you want to spend your time in the future. Look at these elements in your life and decide which you want to expand or change:
- work (paid or volunteer)
- family and relationships
- leisure and physical activities
- personal pursuits – creativity and education
- spiritual pursuits
- integrate healthy habits into all of this
Ask yourself: How satisfied am I with each of these elements? How can I increase my satisfaction?
I have tools that can help with this process. Just send an email (firstname.lastname@example.org) or give me a call (415-328-6514) to arrange a coaching session. Or attend a “Reinvent Yourself after 50” workshop – click the link for information on the next one.
In my coaching practice I’m seeing a trend. Many of my clients tell me they can’t stop thinking. Their minds are racing or going in circles. And concentration is difficult.
What they want is to clear their minds and feel calm. There are lots of reasons that our minds race. Fortunately, there are proven ways to calm the mind and to feel peaceful and focused.
The main “tool” I recommend to others and the tool I use myself is meditation. I’ve found that listening daily to 3-minute guided meditations is easy, practical and effective. You can find them online. One of my favorite sites is www.headspace.com. If you look under apps on your cell phone, you’ll find lots of options. My book also contains a helpful meditation. Combine your meditation with a daily walk, and I promise that after a week or so, you’ll feel more positive about life and happier. It’s all about the breath. Focused breathing is the panacea.
Just look at psychology publications to see what researchers have found. Studies show meditation:
- Reduces stress
- Improves concentration
- Improves self-awareness
- Increases self-acceptance
- Increases happiness (this is connected to self-awareness and acceptance)
- May reduce age-related memory loss
- Increases relaxation and causes blood pressure to drop
- Improves the immune system and reduces inflammation
- Increases a sense of connection to others
- Makes you more compassionate
So, if you want to improve your life, breathe deeply and meditate daily.
These photos say it all. Hiking in the Canadian Rockies and Purcell Mountains in British Columbia is awe-inspiring. I came home feeling joyful and grateful, but tired. It’s hard to top spending a week with dear friends from my hiking club surrounded by spectacular scenery. We hiked, drove, cooked and stayed together in a big barn. The encouragement and support of the group made it possible to hike 10 to 12 miles a day on steep switchbacks climbing up over 2500 feet.
One of my friends fell and broke her arm. Undeterred – with her arm in a cast – she made it to the summit of every trail we took. Very inspiring. And by the way, our group has hikers in their 50s, 60s and mid-70s.
If you can, get outdoors into the beauty of nature. Your soul will respond to seeing wildflowers, waterfalls, meadows and forests. Take a walk under trees or near water. You’ll clear your mind and feel fabulous.
If you have a high school reunion coming up, GO. If it’s your 50th reunion, don’t hesitate. The 50th reunion is probably the last reunion. It’s sad to say, but some of your classmates won’t be alive…or won’t be able to travel in another 10 years.
I just returned from my 50th reunion at Abington High School in a suburb of Philadelphia. When the reunion was announced, I was the first to RSVP. I live 3000 miles from many of my high school friends, and this was a chance to see everyone at once. With Facebook, it’s been great to catch up with so many of my classmates, but it’s not the same as face-to-face. When seeing friends in person, the good memories come flooding back. And, at this stage of life, the bad memories of feeling excluded (by people in some cliques) have long faded away.
The reunion was an opportunity to remember my childhood on the East Coast. I decided to make the event into an adventure by plane, train and subway. I wanted to see the 911 museum in New York and take an in-depth look at Washington D.C. I’m glad I did. Even two weeks was not enough time to see the many monuments, gardens, museums and cultural events on my bucket list.
After the “high” I felt in New York city with it’s great energy, I was not let down in Philadelphia. My high school pals have matured into relaxed, interesting, fun-loving older adults. We picked up where we left off so many years ago. Everyone was welcoming.
We’re at a great age. Yes, it’s true that there was a wide variation in how well we aged. I recognized almost everyone I used to “hang with.” They looked energetic and fabulous. The surprise was that some classmates are using canes and walkers.
It’s truly eye-opening to see that even as early as the sixties, if you don’t have good genes and don’t live a healthy lifestyle, your decline will already be apparent. It’s another reminder to stay active and engage with life. And to reinvent yourself.
Some years ago, shortly after my father and brother passed away, I hit a low point and saw a therapist at Kaiser Permanente. He recommended a YouTube video of Albert Ellis, an influential American Psychologist who died in 2007. Ellis is best known for developing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). When I applied REBT to my situation, I felt much better. Now, when I have negative thoughts, I use REBT – because it works.
I’ve found Ellis’ approach to be highly effective for coaching clients. Men and women quickly see how their thoughts have blocked them from success. For example, one client had a problem with his foot. He blamed himself and said that perhaps he deserved to suffer. When he examined his belief, he saw that it was irrational. He “de-catastrophized” the situation, found the energy to look for new options by talking to people who could help, and tried a therapy that eventually healed his foot.
Here’s the approach:
Albert Ellis’ ABCDEs of Adversity
A – Adversity happens
B – What is your belief or thought about it? Is the belief logical? Rational? What would be a more helpful belief?
C – Consequences – What did you feel or do?
D – Dispute the feeling. De-catastrophize it: What is the evidence? It’s not a big deal in the scheme of things Look at alternatives Look for greater meaning – nation, God, family, a cause, volunteering, charity
E – Energy – feel energized. Take action
How can you apply this is in your life? If you are working on an issue, let’s meet for a private coaching session. It’s time to move forward.
I recently read the book When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing by Daniel H. Pink. If you want to know the best time of day to get results and the benefits of napping, this is a must read. He has a chapter on endings, including what he calls “Act Three” of life – where we “sharpen our red pencils and scratch out anyone or anything non-essential.” Research shows that as we age, we edit out people who are less emotionally meaningful.
Here’s something to try when you’re in a slump. Mr. Pink shares a technique he learned from four social psychologists. This process is inspired by the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
- Think about something positive in your life – your relationship, your child, a career achievement, your home
- List all the circumstances that made it possible – a friend’s suggestion, a class you took, a party you attended
- Write down all the events and decisions that might never have happened – you didn’t go to the party or take the class
- Now remind yourself that life did go your way. Think about the happy random events that did happen. Be grateful for your good fortune. Life is pretty wonderful.
Try this technique and post a comment on how it worked for you. I did feel wonderful when I tried it.